


end

by carrionkid



Category: Marvel (Comics), X-Force (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Child Death, Death Doesn't Make Sense, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 22:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15082970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrionkid/pseuds/carrionkid
Summary: so i've been thinking about the fact that little illyana dies of the legacy virus in like. issue 25-ish of x force. and then the issue where she dies is just really fucking intense and i loved jubilee as the narrator for it and this sort of happened. it's a bunch of xkids at a funeral having a terrible time and trying to deal with death.--She looks just as small as she did when they helped her out of the armor.She doesn’t look like she’s sleeping, but she doesn’t look like she’s dead either. She looks like she’s frozen, like someone put her on pause until they could help her.It’s bullshit.It’s complete and utter bullshit that she didn’t get a chance to even make it back to fourteen again.





	end

Shatterstar doesn’t like wearing suits, _which is fair_ , Rictor thinks, _nobody really does_ . Ric got used to it when he was young; a lot of family bullshit required him to look professional. He _was_ supposed to be the heir, after all. But that was a long time ago and this is the first time he’s worn a suit in ages, so he kind of gets it.

 

Star’s been pulling at the collar and smoothing out the sleeves and taking the jacket off and putting it back on for the past hour. It’s the first time Rictor’s seen him in a suit, maybe the first time he’s worn one at all. Star’s weird and it seems like there are a lot of things he’s never done before, which makes sense, all things considered.

 

Domino brushes Star’s hands away from where they’re playing with the tie. Sometimes, when people touch him, his eyes go wide. Ric’s pretty sure he’s the only one who’s noticed that.

 

“Don’t untie it,” Domino says, voice gentle and private, making Rictor feel like he’s eavesdropping.

 

“I do not know why we are doing _this,”_ Star wrinkles his nose, crossing his arms instead of going back to messing with the tie.

 

“Because we have to.”

 

“That is _not_ an answer.”

 

Domino sighs, wringing her hands as she thinks. She’s got the same sort of look on her face that Ric gets when he’s trying to explain something to Star.

 

“We’re doing this because we knew her.”

 

“I did not,” Star huffs, “I do not want to be here.”

 

Domino gives him an exasperated look, hands on her hips, “The rest of us knew her. That’s why we’re here. And you’re gonna _behave_ today, okay?”

 

Star makes an uncomfortable noise, pushed through pursed lips.

 

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Ric says, just to remind Domino he’s still in the room.

 

Most times he ends up hanging around with Star anyway. He doesn’t mind Star being, well, _Star_ in the same way a lot of people seem to, but this is one day he can’t fuck up by being weird and blunt and not having a filter at all.

 

“Okay,” Domino turns back, giving him a severe look, “Now, why don’t you kids go meet up with everyone else?”

 

* * *

 

Things haven’t been great between X-Force and Xavier since they left the mansion, but everyone there promised to cover for X-Force if anything went wrong. They’re technically wanted and probably shouldn’t be out in the open, but Rictor hopes nothing will go wrong. Trying to arrest the team today is a dick move.

 

They’re doing it at the mansion. He vaguely remembers someone saying something about making it more personal, but Ric’s pretty sure it’s just because none of the churches nearby would actually help.

 

The adults of the different teams are talking, leaving the rest of the teenagers exiled to one of the common rooms. He’s a little lost without Tabs, but she got out of the camp before anyone could force her to come along.

 

Rictor doesn’t know many of them, only Rahne and Jubilee. Rahne’s crying and things ended awkwardly between them, so he’s definitely not gonna try to talk to her. He’s only met Jubilee once which rules her out too.

 

“I do not know why you are doing _this,_ ” Shatterstar hisses, gesturing to the room, “It seems to serve no purpose but to hurt.”

 

Ric elbows him in the side, “Shut up, Star.”

 

“No,” Jubilee sits up from where she’s slouching in an armchair, “He’s right, this is totally fuckin’ depressing to the max. What’s the deal? We all gotta act like we’re dead, too?”

 

Rahne looks up slightly, tears still streaming down her face, “How can you say that? How can you be so heartless?”

 

“There is no point to play the event on loop. It has happened already.”

 

“See! He totally gets why this is a dumb pity-party.”

 

A brown haired girl with eyes rimmed red, Ric’s pretty sure she’s Kitty, stands up, “I know we’re all on edge and hurting and angry. Trust me, I am too. It doesn’t make any sense and there’s this big gaping hole where she used to be in all of our lives, but we can’t fill that with fighting.”

 

Jubilee flops back on the armchair, arms crossed, “Whatever.”

 

Rictor’s pretty sure Star’s gonna start a fight if he doesn’t intervene, so he stands up, nudging Star’s shoulder.

 

“Let’s go,” Ric whispers.

 

Shatterstar gets up without a word, following him towards the door. They’ll probably get in trouble for wandering around the mansion but that’s better than any potential alternatives.

 

Jubilee bounces up, “I’m coming too. I’m not gonna just wallow around here like all the rest of these dweebs.”

 

“Uh,” Ric pauses, “Sure?”

 

Out in the hallway, she’s even louder. It’s not something Rictor noticed the one time they crossed paths, but it seems like she’s on a similar wavelength to Star.

 

Jubilee catches up with Ric easily, matching his pace, “I hear they’re gonna let us see her, which sounds super morbid, huge downer.”

 

“I dunno, it could be good to see her one last time.”

 

Rictor didn’t like his father much, but it was still weird that the funeral had to be closed casket. There was no chance to see him looking kind of normal for the final time.

 

Star’s way up ahead. He really doesn’t sit still unless he’s watching TV. But, Ric can still see him and that counts as keeping an eye on him.

 

“Were you one of the ones that knew her before she got all young again?”

 

“Kinda,” Ric shrugs, “We didn’t talk much but I was there when it happened.”

 

“What’s with wolf-girl?” Jubilee gestures back in the direction of the common area.

 

“Rahne knew her pretty well, I think. She was all weird about it, talking about trying to save her soul.”

 

Jubilee falls silent. Maybe she’s finally run out of things to say. She definitely seems more hurt than she’s letting on, but Rictor’s not gonna push that.

 

“Hey,” she calls out, breaking the silence again, “Hey, Star-face, did you know her?”

 

Star doesn’t turn back, “No.”

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“Domino insisted.”

 

Jubilee drops her voice to a whisper, but it’s more of a stage whisper than anything, “What’s his deal?”

 

“Way too much to explain right now,” Ric almost laughs.

 

“I do _not_ have a “deal”,” Star calls out; Rictor always forgets about his freakishly good hearing.

 

“He's kind of a dick sometimes, but he's cool. Kinda weird, though.”

 

Jubilee rolls her eyes, “I think I noticed _that_. C’mon, I’ll take you guys to the roof. Nobody ever bothers me up there, ‘cept for Wolverine ‘cos he’s, like, such a dad, y’know?”

 

Jubilee darts ahead, almost catching up to Shatterstar. Ric’s pretty sure he’s gonna have to start running to keep up with them, but Jean Grey rounds the corner before it gets to that.

 

“I had a feeling you kids would be here,” she sounds a little bit frustrated, a little bit sad.

 

“Like, of course you did, Ms. Mindscanner. You know everything.”

 

Her face falls slightly, almost reaching out, “Jubilee…”

 

“Sorry,” Jubilee huffs, “This is just totally depressing. It’s absolutely nightmarish.”

 

“I know it’s hard,” Jean looks away, shoulders rolling forward, “They’re going to start the viewing soon. You should probably join us for that.”

 

“I’ll _totally_ keep that in mind.”

 

After Jean’s gone, Rictor turns towards Star, “Let’s go meet up with everyone else.”

 

“Whatever,” Jubilee says, “I’ll find you suckers later. Go have fun at the pity party.”

 

* * *

 

Ric can feel Star behind him, leaning over his shoulder. He tries to ignore it, but that’s not exactly easy. Seeing Illyana in the coffin is freaky. It sets his teeth on edge, makes his skin crawl.

 

She looks just as small as she did when they helped her out of the armor.

 

She doesn’t look like she’s sleeping, but she doesn’t look like she’s dead either. She looks like she’s _frozen,_ like someone put her on pause until they could help her.

 

It’s bullshit.

 

It’s complete and utter bullshit that she didn’t get a chance to even make it back to fourteen again.

 

People are starting to line up beside them, so Ric says, “C’mon, let’s sit down and wait for the service.”

 

Star follows after him. Rictor moves into the aisle, heading down until he can sit next to Domino. Star sits on his other side, hands resting in his lap, feet tapping against the ground. The room _isn’t_ silent. It’s filled with movement and stilted whispers, but it still feels empty.

 

Once the aisles are all filled, everything settles into a tense silence. It only lasts for a few minutes before it’s broken by the sound of people turning to each other, asking if anyone’s gonna speak. Then, footsteps cut through the noises of the crowd, hush falling over the room again.

 

Kitty steps up to the podium. She takes a deep breath before grabbing onto it like an anchor. Rictor watches her hands slip through the scuffed wood. Kitty stumbles slightly, catching herself before standing up straight and adjusting the microphone.

 

“Piotr, uh,” she adjusts the mic again, “Piotr isn’t going to speak tonight.”

 

“I guess I got picked for this because I’ve given a speech or two in my day, or because I knew her best,” Kitty smiles down at the floor, “But I’m not really good at giving speeches that aren’t angry and Yana deserves better than that. I’ll try, though. And I’ll try to stop messing with the mic before I short it out.”

 

She laughs nervously, high pitched and shaking, but the joke doesn’t land.

 

“This is the second time one of my best friends has died young. Even before she died, I already lost her once. The Yana I knew died before this Yana and I loved them _both_ . I missed that Yana, _my_ Yana, but I thought, _all those years of memories is a good trade off for those seven years of pain, at least this Yana will get a second chance.”_

 

She laughs again, now more of a hollow sound, wiping tears from her eyes, “So much for that. She was strong. Stronger than most of us, even to the end. Yeah, she was kind of scary, but there was always that scared little kid inside of her. I guess I’m just biased.”

 

Kitty pauses, shoulders shaking. Nobody in the room moves; Rictor barely even wants to breathe in fear that it’ll end up ruining this moment. It feels like doing anything will pop the bubble, will send the room teetering over the edge.

 

Then, she inhales, wrapping her arms around herself, “I guess I knew her the best. I feel like you’re allowed to say that once you’ve held someone’s soul in your hands. I don't know. I guess I always thought I’d get to know her longer.”

 

“So here I am, burying another friend. Here’s another set of parents that will never see their kid again. I don’t know why this had to happen again. We’re protecting a world that hates and fears us, but who’s going to protect us?”

 

Star elbows Rictor in the side, making him turn, “Shh, Star.”

 

“They are going to bury it?” Star’s watching him, eyes wide.

 

“ _Her_ , Star, they’re gonna bury _her.”_

 

“No,” Star grabs his arm, nails digging into Ric’s wrist, “No, you have to let Illyana _out.”_

 

“Star, can you _please_ stop being weird until this is over?” Rictor hisses; he’s usually pretty open minded when it comes to Star but everyone else is already testy enough as it is.

 

He lets go of Ric’s arm, turning back towards the front of the room. Rictor can tell he’s worrying at his lip. It’s really strange to see Star like this. It’s almost unnerving. He’s never seen Star at a funeral, so maybe this is just normal for him. It doesn’t feel like it is, though.

 

* * *

 

After the service finishes, Ric follows Star as he weaves through the crowd. Outside of the room that was adapted for the service, Jubilee is waiting in one of the hallways.

 

“How was it?”

 

Her shades rest on the bridge of her nose instead of the top of her head and her voice sounds choked. It’s not subtle at all, but Rictor won’t call her on crying.

 

“Depressing,” Ric says, “Weird.”

 

“Wanna go up to the roof now? Star-face can come too, since you’re, like, joined at the hip, or whatever,” Jubilee looks at him, one eyebrow raised.

 

He shrugs, “It’s not like there’s anything better to do.”

 

“Then let’s get out of here,” Jubilee starts walking, “All these zombies staggering around are bringin’ me down.”

 

He doesn’t have to ask Star to come along. He hovers close to Ric the entire trip up to the top floor of the mansion. Jubilee stops in front of a room at the end of the hallway, crouching down in front of it.

 

She pulls a bobby pin from her hair and jams it into the lock of the door. She twists it around a little bit, but it doesn’t sound like much is happening.

 

“You sure that’s gonna work?”

 

“Trust me,” Jubilee turns back, “I’ve done this before. Learned it ‘cos of Daphne, y’know, like, from Scooby Doo. Talk about a girl crush.”

 

“Daphne is _quite_ strategic.”

 

If things weren’t so fucking weird right now, Ric would laugh at the fact that Scooby Doo is the first thing to get Star to say _anything_ since the service. But he can’t quite bring himself to do that.

 

Jubilee pops the lock open, turning the handle, “The window here leads right out to the roof, you barely even gotta jump. Nobody likes it when I get out on the roof but a girl’s gotta have some privacy sometimes.”

 

She climbs out first, sitting on the windowsill for a few seconds before calling out as she drops down, “See you on the other side!”

 

Ric goes after her, moving more slowly. He doesn’t let go of the windowsill until both feet are planted on the roof. Jubilee’s sitting a little farther down, legs dangling off the edge of the roof. He moves slowly, staying close to the wall of the mansion until he’s near Jubilee.

 

Rictor stays a little further up the roof than Star and Jubilee. Star’s dangling his legs off the edge, too, hands tucked under his thighs. Ric isn’t exactly _afraid_ of heights, but he doesn’t like being away from the earth.

 

“Y’know what?” Jubilee throws her head back, laughing, “I was there when she died. And it’s mega fucked up because nobody else even realized. They were all, like, too busy talkin’ about ways to try and save her to notice that she was all alone.”

 

“Where were the wounds? Where did they go?” Star’s voice sounds very small.

 

“What wounds?” Jubilee’s looking at him, Ric can’t quite make out her expression through the sunglasses.

 

“The wounds,” Star repeats, more urgent than before, “The cancelling blow. Where are they?”

 

“There aren’t any. She just, like, won the cosmic fuckin’ lottery and got some super virus and now she’s dead and it super mega sucks.”

 

Star makes a strange, strangled noise in the back of his throat, “The body was very small.”

 

Ric groans, “Yeah, dude, she was _seven._ She was a little kid.”

 

“Not old enough to begin airing,” Shatterstar whispers, “Barely old enough for training.”

 

Jubilee kicks her legs against the level beneath them, “What’s with all the ‘cancelling’ and ‘airing’ bullshit? You come here from a sci-fi convention?”

 

“Something like that,” Ric laughs, covering his mouth with his hands.

 

It feels wrong to be laughing, especially not when they’re burying Illyana right now.

 

“Never cancelled one that young,” Star says, “First season begins at twelve, twelve years. Cancelled others then.”

 

Star’s got a knack for ending conversations in their tracks. It doesn’t seem like something intentional but he’s got a twisted sense of what’s normal.

 

Ric isn’t expecting Jubilee to say anything at all, but she drums her hands against the roof.

 

“That’s pretty fucked up.”

 

Star makes a noise of consideration, “It is?”

 

“Sure sounds like it,” Jubilee shrugs.

 

Rictor can’t seem to find anything else to add after that. Star doesn’t add anything either. When he closes his eyes and just lets the wind pull at his hair, Ric almost feels like things are normal. Almost feels like someone he knew isn’t dead.

 

He really didn’t know her as well as Rahne or Same or Berto, but it’s still weird that now there won’t be a chance to know her better.

 

“What are you kids _doing_ up there?”

 

Rictor can kind of make out Domino standing in the front yard from where he’s sitting on the roof.

 

“We are _sitting_ ,” Star calls back.

 

Domino laughs, sound somehow making it to the roof, “I can see _that_! Get down here, we’re leaving in fifteen!”

 

* * *

 

The first indication that something’s wrong is that Star doesn’t try to talk Ric into watching TV with him as soon as they get back home. They barely get into the camp before he peels off the jacket and starts unbuttoning the shirt.

 

When they meet again in the common room, he’s still wearing the undershirt, now paired with shorts. He’s just sitting in silence, actually still for once, which is really fucking weird for Star.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

The sound Star makes is non-committal at best.

 

“You’ve been acting weird all day,” Ric continues on, “And you didn’t even ask me to watch anything with you.”

 

Star doesn’t respond to that, not even with one of his cryptic little noises. Rictor sighs, walking across the room to sit on the couch next to Star.

 

“Are you… Sad?”

 

It doesn’t seem like that would be the issue. Cable had to _convince_ him that killing people was wrong. And he still calls it ‘cancelling’, which makes Ric’s skin crawl if the thinks about it for too long.

 

“I did not know Illyana,” Star says, like it’s an answer to the question.

 

“Doesn’t mean you can’t be sad about it.”

 

“How do you know?” Star looks over at him, head cocked to the side, “How do you know if you are sad?”

 

“Oh, uh,” Rictor pauses.

 

How _does_ he know he’s sad?

 

He feels weird, like he woke up in the middle of the night convinced it was morning, like everything he thought was right is wrong now.

 

Ric runs a hand through his hair, “Well, I feel weird. And like it hasn’t totally sunk in yet. Jubilee was angry, but not at anyone. Just at the world. Kitty and Rahne were crying. People do that sometimes, but sometimes they just don’t feel anything.”

 

“Oh,” Star falls silent again.

 

“Did, uh,” Rictor’s hands fall to the hem of his shirt, picking at a loose part of the seam, “Did you really kill twelve year olds?”

 

Star gives him an annoyed look, “I was twelve _also_. It would not have been a fair fight if I was older.”

 

He tries to imagine what Star would look like then, how small he would be. His swords are like four feet long. It’s hard to imagine a little kid holding them. It all fits together, like a really depressing puzzle. Star being used to killing fits in to Star being good at killing fits into Star’s eyes going wide whenever someone touches him.

 

“Jubilee was right, y’know. That is fucked up.”

 

“It was all that I knew.”

 

Ric nudges Star’s leg with his foot, “That doesn’t make it any less fucked up.”

 

“It still happened,” Star’s voice sounds stretched thin, choked.

 

He’s never really seen Star being _sad._ He’s seen him angry, more times than he can count. Maybe it’s like what Jubilee was doing today. Still, it has to be exhausting to be that angry all the time.

 

“You can be sad about that, if you want to. Same way you can be sad about Illyana. I think you deserve that much.”

 

* * *

 

Rictor wakes up to the feeling of being watched. He’s still half asleep when he feels something brush against him.

 

Ric jerks back on reflex, nearly smacking his head against the wall, “Jesus fuck, dude.”

 

Star’s kneeling by the bed, about a foot away from his pillow, eyes reflecting back the light from the window. Star’s the only person on earth who’d do things like this; it feels like Rictor should be used to this kind of shit by now, but he’s not.

 

“I do not want to be trapped.”

 

“Star, do we,” Rictor rubs at his eyes, yawning, “Do we have to do this right now?”

 

“Julio, Julio, I do not want to be _trapped._ ”

 

“I guess that’s a yes,” Rictor sits up, back resting against the wall.

 

“The small one will be trapped, Julio.”

 

Ric sighs, running a hand through his hair,“You wanna sit up on the bed, or are you gonna stay kneeling on the floor?”

 

Star climbs onto the bed, sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest. Rictor’s never actually seen him like this before. He’s seen Star in a lot of terrifying states, but this one is new.

 

“The body is in the ground and Illyana will be trapped in it,” Star says, “Why do you do that? Why do you trap them? I do not _understand._ You say that you care and that the absence hurts like a wound and then you do not let them move.”

 

“Star,” he tries to sound as understanding as he can, “You’re gonna have to explain a bit better than that.”

 

Star grabs his arm, pulling him close enough their foreheads are almost touching, “You have to burn the body, Julio, you have to stop me from being trapped, you have to _promise.”_

 

Rictor nudges Star’s hand away from his arm, “This is way too much to deal with tonight, Star. You’re not gonna die tonight or tomorrow or even this week, so can we just postpone this a while?”

 

“Illyana had _no wounds_ ,” he sounds desperate.

 

“I know, I know,” Ric tucks Star’s hair back behind his ears; it took a weirdly long amount of time for Star to let him do little things like this.

 

“I do not _understand._ ”

 

“Dude, none of us do. It’s fucked up and unexpected and nobody was ready for it.”

 

Star’s shoulders roll forward as he sighs, “The body was so small, Julio…”

 

“Kids are delicate, Star, especially when they don’t have a healing factor,” he works his fingers through Star’s hair, waiting for him to lean into the touch.

 

“Others will hurt when I am cancelled?”

 

Ric furrows his brows, “Are… Are you asking if people’ll be sad if you die?”

 

Star makes a soft noise, one of confirmation.

 

“Yeah, of course,” he stops running his hands through Star’s hair to press his palm to Star’s cheek, “Of course, dude. Anyone dying is sad.”

 

Star makes that weird strangled noise from earlier again, grabbing onto Rictor’s arm again.

 

“Will _you_ be sad?”

 

“Of course, Star.”

 

“Will I know that you are sad?”

 

Ric laughs, short and frantic, “That’s way more metaphysical than I wanna get tonight, dude.”

 

Star hums, lips pursed.

 

“Look, you’re not dead right now, so it doesn’t matter yet,” Rictor yawns again, “Today was a long fucking day. Are you gonna let me sleep or not?”

 

He doesn’t look like he’s planning on moving anytime soon, so Ric loops his hands around Star’s wrists. He can feel Star tense underneath his touch, but that doesn’t stop him from gently tugging on Star until he’s lying down.

 

Star shifts until he’s watching Ric’s eyes; this isn’t something he’d usually be comfortable with but today feels kind of like an exception. It’s been a really fucking weird day and he’s still kind of unnerved by the whole funeral.

 

“Why are you so worried about this now?” Ric watches Star’s face carefully; it’s not easy to make out his expression in the darkness.

 

“It has never been significant if a model is cancelled,” Star whispers, “I want to be significant. I want to be _remembered._ ”

 

“You _are_ significant, dude, and everyone you meet is gonna have some kind of memory of you. You’re pretty damn memorable.”

 

Star hums again, it’s not quite a response but it’s something.

 

“Well,” Ric says, “I’m gonna try to sleep more, you can stay if you want to.”

 

He’s not really expecting Star to stay, but Star curls up anyway, pressing his forehead into Rictor’s side.

 

“Okay,” he rests a hand against Star’s back, waiting to see if Star’ll shake it away, “Well, g’night.”


End file.
